Frequently Asked Questions
Counselling and psychotherapy in Gospel Oak.
I offer private counselling and psychotherapy in Gospel Oak.
If you have other questions, I'm interested to hear them and happy to answer them personally.
My normal rate is £70.00 for fifty minutes.
Payment in advance secures your booking. It is a policy to help minimise missed appointments that others might have appreciated.
My concessionary spaces are currently booked.
I work from my place in Gospel Oak, on Mansfield Road. It is near to Gospel Oak Overground Station and on popular bus routes.
We'll find a time that works for you. My hours are 8am - 5pm, Monday - Thursday.
If we decide to work together, we will meet regularly, at the same time every week for the period of time we've agreed (number of weeks or open ended). This will be yours and not be offered to anyone else. If you cannot come for a session and are able to give two weeks notice then I may be able to offer it to someone else, in which case I can waive the fee for that (those) week(s). There is no charge for when I am away or cannot make a session. I give as much notice as I can for your convenience.
I work relationally, which means we work together by sitting down and talking with each other. I am warm, down to earth and curious. I am not a silent, analytic therapist who gives away nothing or at the other end of the scale, a behavioural therapist who gives homework. However, I may be quiet sometimes because I am listening to you and sometimes if there is a simple technique that I think might help, I may offer it to you, to choose to take or leave.
I integrate traditional approaches, which are reviewed, supported and developed in connection with current neuroscience. My training is continually being updated. So you could say that you have the advantage of traditional approaches which have been further investigated, informed and enhanced by modern research.
This is an excellent question, which has no short answer. However, I will start to address it, by outlining roughly where things can go wrong for us. Once we have the answer to the question, 'what went wrong?' We can work to find ways of putting things right.
We come into this world, hard wired for attachment to our caregivers. We are born with a brain that still needs to develop. Helpless and vulnerable, we have no way of calming ourselves when we are distressed and are dependent on our primary caregivers, not just for nourishment and protection but for soothing when we are afraid or upset (infants cannot do that for themselves). Attuned caregivers can help us to feel safe and nourished, stimulated when we need it, soothed when we need rest and comfort. How our caregivers respond to our early needs for connection and reassurance, shapes the way we attach to them and forms our expectations of how our needs will be met. If we are lucky and our caregivers can respond well enough, we grow up feeling secure that all is well in our world, trust that we will be ok and that our basic needs for nourishment and security will be met.
Our brains grow in relationship with the adults who care for us. In our early days and months, we can feel hungry, hot, cold, scared, in pain, however as infants, we do not know what our sensations are; we simply know when we’re feeling discomfort or pain. As we develop, our caregivers, with their responses of comfort, nourishment, sounds and words will help us to understand what is the matter with us. We need someone to feed us when we are hungry and hold us when we are afraid, to show understanding when something is the matter and try and find out the problem.
Our difficulties can begin if, for whatever reason, our caregivers cannot attune to us. Sometimes a caregiver might be depressed or feel overwhelmed by the needs of a tiny infant. There may be mental health issues, drug or alcohol problems, stress from the external environment, violence, war, bereavement, loss, abandonment, relationship problems or other factors that make it hard or impossible for the caregiver to attune enough to us. It may be miss-attunement, or worse, we might suffer neglect and abuse at the hands of those on whom we depend.
Our ability to self soothe has to be learned by an attuned other. If for whatever reason this is limited, we can develop with a compromised ability to soothe, or regulate our own feelings. This means that we can grow into children and then into adults, with difficulties in dealing with our emotions and getting our needs met.
Amongst our most basic feelings are anger, sadness, fear, shame, disgust, love and joy. If these feelings have not been recognised and attuned to adequately when we’re little, we can have real difficulties in understanding or dealing with them as we get older. If we have a shaky inner world, coming up against external difficult life events, our coping strategies can get compromised and we can become depressed, anxious, ashamed or explosive, find difficulty in maintaining relationships and managing our lives. Major life events, such as separations, bereavement or other stressors, even happy ones, like moving house, marriage or having children of our own can destabilise and disorient us, making it really difficult to manage our lives. We may have difficulty with other, lesser events that others seem to handle well and it can baffle us when we seem not to be able to manage.
When we cannot regulate our feelings, we can feel uncomfortable and out of control. We can sometimes find that eating, drinking, drugging, sex, spending, self-harming and other compulsive behaviours, can help change the way we feel and give us short-term relief. Some activities and behaviours can help us to lift a low mood or lower our stress and anxiety. When we are feeling low, sad or shameful, our breathing and heart rate may slow down. We might use sugary foods, stimulants or dangerous behaviours to give us the lift we need. Otherwise, if we are feeling stressed, angry or anxious and our breathing and heart rate are elevated, we may feel the need to bring ourselves down, with carbohydrates or substances that calm ourselves, both prescribed and non-prescribed. We may crave the numbing effects of alcohol. And to top it all, we may have no conscious idea that we engage in these behaviours, because we are trying to get comfortable, in our own bodies. We simply do not realise that we are in fact grappling with a much earlier problem, which is that we were not helped to regulate our feelings and self-soothe in a nurturing way. We may need to explore how we feel today and what our real needs might be with a sensitive and attuned therapist, so that we can learn the roots of our distress and explore new strategies to help us get a sense of inner security.
Many of us have gone through our lives, often puzzled, frustrated or ashamed at our own behaviours. We might say: "That's not really me", or think that 'underneath it, I am really a terrible / bad / useless person' and be afraid that others might 'find us out'. We need a very safe, confidential and non-judgmental space to talk about such deep, sensitive, possibly shameful feelings. Only then do we have the chance to look at what is driving them and find out what our unmet needs are.
Many of our self-limiting behaviours are a result of us desperately trying to regulate painful feelings. We don't really have much choice until we understand what is really going on. The good news is that our brains are plastic and changeable. Hurts from early lack of attunement can be addressed in psychotherapy. We can develop better connections in our mind, which in turn help us to be more in control of our emotions. We can also perhaps be both more understanding of others and- if needed- also learn to be firmer and clearer with those around us.
My psychotherapy practice is a relational process between you and I.
It is an equal relationship, in which trust, care and mutual respect can develop, to facilitate self-knowledge, inspiration and change. Just as we were once infants who developed in response and in relationship with our original caregivers, now we can have the chance of a relationship with a trusted other; I will take the time to attune and get to find and relate to the deeper, neglected parts of you. In this process, you can get insight and develop more self-understanding and compassion for yourself, which often gets extended to others.
Whatever difficulties you have and whatever complexities you have suffered, there are always alternatives.
I do not offer a ‘quick fix’ but you can often quickly realise that you have been hard on yourself. It can be a big relief to realise that you really are an okay person but things that happened earlier made you think that you weren't. I aim to help you to soon feel more kindly towards yourself and offer a robust, stable holding space and a therapeutic approach that fosters long term personal internal strengthening.
The most bothering things for you are things that can be transformed in relationship with an attuned psychotherapist. It is about having the most difficult things shared with another and then worked with, together. As I mentioned before, this is not quick fix but the effects are durable.
Your name and all details are confidential and will not be shared with anyone. To give you the best ethical service I attend regular clinical supervision but I don't disclose identifying details. If you or someone is at risk of harm then I have to let someone know but whenever I can I will discuss it with you first. I understand that it is essential that you can trust that your information is safe with me and I give my assurance that I adhere to confidential, ethical boundaries according to the British Association of Counsellors and Psychotherapists (BACP) and the National Counselling Society (NCS).
You are very welcome to ring or email me for a confidential, no obligation chat.
Counselling and Psychotherapy in Holborn. By Leather Lane, Portpool Lane, near Hatton Gardens and Farringdon.